palavra-chave - Stop Trying To Change Me!

Stop Trying To Change Me!

Change, death and taxes. The three things we can always count on. Depressing bunch, aren’t they? So, if change is always present, what’s wrong with wanting to change someone we’re dating? Aside from how incredibly annoying and patronizing it is for someone to think they know you better than you know yourself, it implies an inability to love someone for who they are when they aren’t trying to impress you.

As my friend says, “I want you to do you.” She prefers a quick trip through representative land so she can get more quickly to the real person behind the good behavior. We both agree that a relationship is no place to try to work on someone, you either take them as they are or leave them for someone who will love them as is. So, that’s great and fine as long as you are dealing with someone authentic and comfortable leaving the games behind, but what happens when you don’t know you are dealing with a representative and are several months into the relationship before the real person shows up?

I’m sad to say, I ran smack into this dilemma several years ago and it was as much my fault for not seeing the signs as anything. You see, he was a really really nice guy. And I really really needed nice at that moment in my life, but he had an unfortunate propensity towards finding horse walks into a bar jokes funny. Hilariously funny. Normally, I can handle the occasional Horse Bar joke, but when this guy’s representative decided to go on vacation, the jokes came out with a vengeance. We’d be innocently driving along enjoying the bluebonnets and sunshine and out of no where… “What’d the bartender say to the horse that walked into his bar?” We’d have dinner with friends and out came “Why’d the chicken cross the road?” We’d be playing with the dog and … you guessed it… horses, chickens and cows would show up in riddle form.

I never would have known this was a huge deal-breaker for me, but it was. When I finally decided I’d had enough and just couldn’t do it anymore, I sat him down for the talk. I was direct, loving and as gentle as I knew how to be and explained that I was serious about the jokes being a problem because humor is a huge part of how I relate to the world. And then he said it… “I can change!” I didn’t know that there was something less attractive to me than the horse jokes… but there was and that was it. I didn’t want someone to change for me anymore.

When I was younger, I thought someone changing for me was the height of romance. He changed how much he went out with the guys… how romantic. He stopped wearing those nasty holy boxer shorts… romance! He stopped going on hunting trips EVERY weekend… romance romance romance! But a little older and a little wiser, now it would just make me wonder how long till the real Mr. Wonderful showed up. You see, I know that the more things you change for someone (other than yourself) the more you are like a rubber band being pulled tighter and tighter… one of these days you are going to snap back to the real you and when that happens… look out, the honeymoon is O-V-E-R.

For those of you in a relationship with someone you have made changes for, how long do you think you can stick it out? Are you pretending to be a domestic diva because he likes the traditional kind of girl but are scrambling to hide the take out tins before he comes over for dinner? Or maybe you’ve set yourself up as a financial magnate because she has a predilection for pricey dinners and high-end vacations? Maybe its something smaller… you make sure your house is perfect when she comes over or you pretend to like his electronica day in and day out.

And what about you daters who are just itching to get your hands on your next make-over project. Hold up for a minute Henry Higgins and put your svengali instincts on hold. How about looking for what you like and enjoy in someone instead of what you want to change? You might find yourself pleasantly surprised by the real relationship that shows up when two people accept each other for who they are without the masks.

Yes, small changes and compromises are an important part of building a life together. But try letting the other person know and love the real you first. Then if you decide to make a change, at least you know the other person loves you without you having to be perfect.

Palavras-chave relacionadas: Open Letter To Men Who Want More

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