How To Break Up With Somebody Who Won’t Let You Break Up With Them

Have you ever tried to break up with somebody and they just said, “no”, on some Hellen Keller I can’t feel my face or hear what you’re saying nonsense?

You don’t know what I’m talking about?  Of course you do.  You remember Costanza from Seinfeld trying to break up with Maura right?

That my friends is some bullsh*t but its an epidemic that is plaguing our society.  People keep talking about unemployment reaching double digits but nobody’s talking about the They-Won’t-Go Index reaching a critical level of 35.7%.  Some people either don’t get the message, refuse to accept the message, or just don’t care about what goes on in the hood.  Just ask Ricky.

Oh wait, he dead.  My bad.  Ask Doughboy.  Wait, he dead too.  Nevermind.

Moving right along.

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 The art of breaking up has long been a difficult endeavor.  It’s rarely easy and usually comes with way more conversation than you care to have but alas, unless you’re dating a mute, chances are the breakupee is going to say something.  So that makes it even more frustrating when the person on the receiving end of your ginsu refuses to let you chop the lettuce.  If you think about it, it’s rather retarded to actually deny somebody the opportunity to be without you, once they’ve said, “I’d rather be without you.”  They’ve made it clear they’d rather f*ck snow pumas than stay with you, but for whatever reason, you reject their deposit.

But save the swallow people.  Save the swallows.

Anyway, as a service today, I feel like I should help out you people in situations where you just can’t seem to get rid of an ex.

(Be mindful, some of this is extreme like white boys playing frisbee.)

Fake your own death.

Look, drastic times call for drastic measures.  You can’t get rid of them?  Well get rid of yourself.  Nothing brings closure like death.  Okay, that’s not really true but if you kick off then they can’t really continue to claim you in the present tense right?  Makes sense to me.  Just try not to answer your phone if they call.  And let’s be real, they’ll still call you in death to make sure it’s real.

Kill them.

That’s what OJ’d do.

Pull a Maria Ignacio

The victim “didn’t want this relationship to end,” said defence lawyer Greg Hawrysh. “He was persistent, not in a criminal way, and she found it very difficult to say no.”

Ignacio stole the man’s credit card and over the course of four months made $21,000 in cash withdrawals. The victim called police after he started noticing suspicious transactions on his credit card statement. Police arrested Ignacio after she was identified on security video using a drive-thru bank machine.

“Ms. Ignacio thought if she took the money from his account he would discover what happened and would realize this wasn’t the type of woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and break up their courtship,” Hawrysh said. “The relationship eventually did end … and he was finally able to accept her wishes.”

Develop an STD that really just ain’t going nowhere killing your libido

Now, this could very well backfire and they’ll decide to stick it out with you (no pun intended) until you kick the bucket.  In that case you’ll have to die at some point, which seems like so much overkill (um…pun intended).  Of course, if you just kill yourself early (see Fake your own death), then you should be off the hook and on to the next one.

Start using heavy drugs like cocaine, heroin, and HGH…together

Nobody likes a dopehead.  Or they shouldn’t anyway. Of course, they might try to detox you and then you’ll be in rehab for an addiction you don’t have which must suck but could make great fodder for a book, kind of like Black Like Me only about addiction, perhaps, The Needle In Me, or something.  Just a suggestion.  Got to make the best of it, right?

Become a religious zealot and damn them to hell

Definitely makes me hate you.

Marry them

Then you can divorce them and NOBODY is happy about getting divorced.  Except maybe Elizabeth Taylor and Donald Trump, who I’m pretty sure married eachother at least once.

Anyway, falks, that’s a few ways to break up with somebody who won’t let you break up with them.

Any suggestions?